Cleaning Day...

                                                                        

# 5 Today I Learned.... 

That with all the people I know, I'm still alone in the end...

I'm feeling blue today. I had this major cleaning day, my family went out to the beach (I love the beach...) but I decided to stay and clean out the house to impress my mother. She has been complaining about my brothers and I this past week. I really just wanted her to be happy to say that I am not completely useless after all. I wish i can clean my cluttered mind as easy as doing chores. After they came home she didn't mention anything at all! I know I will never be the girl she wants me to- it's just too much to ask. I can't be put into the "perfect Arab girl" mold. I can't be subservient, I can't hold my tongue I am who I am and that's all I ever will be! Why can't I be normal and have a normal supportive family. I think I have found out why my family is so dysfunctional, my parents are perfectionist and want to fit us all into these "perfect old school Arab girls and boys" image. That simply will not work! I understand that they grew up in a whole other world than what we grew up in but they must understand that we grew up in a whole different country with different beliefs and influences. I wasted the best years of my life trapped in these four walls that are my room- my sanctuary. As all my immigrant blog readers know and probably experienced what I like to call the "Immigrant to next generation cultural clash". I blame my parents for my lack of friends for they don't allow me to simply hang out with other kids my age. 

Geez I sound like such a loser, loner, dweeb. I'm surrounded by great people but at the end of the day I am all alone with just my thoughts and broken memories of my stale childhood and teen years. What makes it a whole lot worse is that i'm living a life of Arabic double standard which believe me is a whole lot worse than the regular western double standard.  It includes things like: guys can go out and live their life- girls are stuck at home to wallow in their own self misery or my favourite guys can build friendships and relationships with the opposite sex while girls will be shameful, shame her family, and becomes a slut if she so speaks to a man (friend or otherwise) 

My advice to all you constricted blog readers out there..... Never let anyone hold you back from what you believe is right for you. Live your life, make mistakes, learn from them, and grow as an overall human. You'll never learn anything by simply having someone telling you whats right and wrong- you have to go out there and experience it for yourself. It just does NOT work to have someone live your life for you.

Some of us just can't... some of us can't risk the shame that will be placed on the whole family if they break free they will live in the shadow of sin and will go on, for the rest of their lives, in metaphorical chains.

Her heart like a bird that can no longer fly

in a cage made of words and I cannot say why

rose-coloured phrases have turned into lies

the longer you're lonely- the longer you die

No use in talkin´ bout words known by heart
The sound drowns in static, the words fall apart
They die in the air or still born and unknown
The seed never lands so our love never grows

Words used to be a way to get through
Words aren´t meaning the way they used to
Think I said that before

Depressed,

Susanne Dey